When you're tired of learning to drive, you're tired of life

After eight years of study in any particular field, it is assumed that you will pretty much be an expert. Even an amateur spending one to two hours a day on something will become extremely knowledgeable in short order. So why is it that most people's driving is so bad? The obvious explanation is that practice does not make perfect unless you have a coach. People drive all the time but since they have no goal for improving their driving it does not significantly improve after they've learned more or less what all the levers do. I see no reason to flatline (haha) my probability of accident so I look into this now and again to refresh myself. One of my favourite sites is Safe Speed which, apart from having a lot of information about why speed cameras are bad, also gives really solid tips for advancing in your driving generally.

The reason I feel called to write upon this most vexing subject is a recent reminder of what happened to a hapless motorist in 2009 when on the motorway his cruise control got stuck on. The police were eventually called in to clear a lane for him while he battled to regain control. What a way to catch a plane if you're running late! Joking aside, I immediately became suspicious of the whole affair because I can think of at least three ways to stop a car with the cruise jammed on. So, in the interests of public safety I will deal with the cruise-jammed-on scenario and then the brakes-have-failed scenario which, let's face it, could actually happen to you. The cruise control episode was pretty much a once off for civilisation as a whole.

Cruise stuck on

1. The brake pedal. Yeah I know it's obvious but would you believe it, he tried the brake pedal and nothing happened! Could this have been because the cruise control will increase throttle to maintain speed? Yeah it's that obvious. So nothing appeared to happen even when vigorously braking. Only when the brake pedal was pressed hard enough to overcome the engine's torque did the car slow down, and in fact this is what ultimately brought the episode to an end.

. The clutch pedal. OK I know most people drive automatics these days, but there are manuals with cruise and it would be easy to just declutch to prevent drive from going to the wheels. And speaking of which ...

3. Neutral/park. Most automatic gearboxes are still in control of the driver. You can change down or perhaps even to neutral. Worst case scenario is the engine revs a little too high but that's what you have a limiter for.

4. Ignition. Turn it off. The report says he tried this but it wouldn't work. It is clear, however, that he was so incoherent with panic that the obvious things I've mentioned didn't occur to him, or when he tried them they appeared not to work. Still, a really easy solution to cruise getting away from you.

5. Handbrake. Won't work, not by itself. The main brakes on a car are easily capable of countering the engine, especially in top gear, but the handbrake cannot. Don't try it unless there is literally no other option but to die.

No brakes

1. Most important thing here is not to panic. I don't mean to be confronting, but in emergencies panickers die.

2. You'll want to remove drive, so let off the accelerator, duh. Further steps you can take to slow down faster are to gear down as much as physically possible. This is particularly essential if the failure happens on a downhill slope. Do not put the car in neutral, that will perevent engine braking.

3. Brake failures are various. Try pumping the pedal, applying both feet. Sometimes the brakes will be cooked, meaning they are less effective because they've overheated. Worst is if the brakes have failed completely, leaving your only stopping power with the engine and handbrake. Speaking of which ...

4. Do not yank the handbrake. You will lock up the rear tyres and spin right into a fireball. There won't even be anything left to bury. Gradually apply pressure and if you feel the rear of the car letting go, release the handbrake. Hence, keep your thumb on the button or you may panic and just let go, leaving it ratcheted up.

5. If none of the above will stop you, hard cornering can also slow you down but again you have to limit yourself to the handling envelope.

6. Drive up a hill. Simple and obvious. Don't make the mistake of getting to a stop then rolling back down again. As you come to a stop, turn across the hill so your car is no longer on a slope in the direction of roll.

7. Run off the road. In rural areas this one will be obvious, but then maybe you'd have enough road to coast to a gentle stop, whatever. A handy field full of soggy grass will slow you down a treat, as would sand for those times when your brakes fail next to the beach.

8. Depending on the situation, you may be forced to crash into something. If that is the case, after having done all the above to slow as much as possible, select a hedge, a stand of saplings, perhaps even another car, to rapidly wash off the rest of your speed. You can even select quite solid obstacles as long as you're doing less than 40 km/h. If a tree is the only thing suitable, use the tree, but try not to hit it head on unless you have passengers. You can slow the impact by striking it with the far corner of the car, thus converting some of your forward momentum into angular momentum. Obiously don't do that if you would then career off a cliff.

9. You thought crashing was the last ditch, right? Actually if you have enough space you can try something even more dangerous - a spin. This is also the only remaining option if you're going too fast to crash safely. Use the handbrake to lock the rear wheels, then violently turn the wheel to induce a spin. This will be similar to attempting a fully locked up stop. Keep the steering wheel at full lock until you've slowed down enough, otherwise you may end up going backwards into whatever you were trying to avoid. The reason this is more dangerous than crashing is because you cannot control it - you may crash into something driver door first.


So there you have it. What to do if your brakes one day decide to give up the ghost when you need them most. Once again there is an obvious point on which to close: an ounce of prevention is worth The Monster Bomb of cures. Proper maintenance is the first part of safety. Other than that, don't overheat your brakes on a long downhill - use pulsed braking (also known as not riding the brakes) and engine braking. Got that?